Happy and Remembrance

More so than the meaning of life, the question of 'Are you happy?' seems to come up time and again over the course of a person's lifetime. Am I happy? What is the context of that question? Is it a question about my state of mind and that very precise moment in time, or is it a question about how I feel about my life most of the time. If I am happy 51% of the time, then overall I am happy.

Happiness is defined as : characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

I think contentment is what we are really asking about. Happiness tends to relate to specific moments in life, as in "Are you happy today?". Contentment is an overall assessment of your life. Are you content with where you are in your life? I hate this question, as people we are never content. How can we ever say we are content no matter what we are doing or where we are. To be content is more of a percentage based question, I am content most of the time. It's the same with happiness. I am never happy all of the time...I am never content all of the time. If anyone out there is, then they are what I would call enlightened and have achieved everything there is to achieve in life and have nothing left to look forward to in this life. So then, they would become so depressed at this fact and thus end their lives. That's how I view that question...what a horrible question to ask someone.

I wanted to make two seperate posts but I figured I would just do one and be done for a while. Consider this paragraph the breaker between the two subjects.

"The problem with forgetting is that you remember." - Tim O'Brien

I never understood this until I lost my nephew. I have tried to forget him, put his memories out of my mind, but the more I try to forget the more I remember. Either I see a little boy with his parents at the grocery store, or someone brings him up in conversation. It's impossible to forget him. I have given up trying to forget and have chosen instead to remember. The cute things he did or said. Playing with him, watching him run around like an idiot and tripping over everything on the floor. Remembering when he broke his arm, him falling down the stairs at my mom's house. The cries, the smiles, the laughs. The spiderman toy I bought him for Christmas that scared him to death.

The problem with forgetting is that you remember. Just remember...

And the new season begins...

Softball is winding down and talk of next year is already starting. I finally quit my old team like a bad habit. There were some good memories there. I learned a lot from those guys and I'll never forget them. Now I have to decide what to do about next year, who am I going to play for?

There are already 4 teams asking me to play - 3 E teams and 1 D team (D being a higher division level, more competitive).

One of the E teams is already out of the picture, they are just a bunch of old guys that probably won't go anywhere. They'll win some games but I just don't really fit in and they'll be quittin the game in a couple of years due to their age.

The D team could be fun but I'm not sure I'm ready to be playing competitive D ball. Sure, I can hold down the outfield, I may not have the arm but I can track and catch with some of the best in KC. It's the hitting that I'm just not comfortable with at that level.

As for the two E teams...one team I have tons of fun with 99% of the guys on the team, but the one running the team is annoying as hell. If he wasn't there I'd play with them in a heartbeat.

The last team, is a solid team and were making a solid run at World's this year, until it got rained out. I'm just not sure how will I mesh with these guys because I have only played with 3 or 4 of their guys. It's going to be a tough decision and I'll have to make one sooner or later.


As for league ball next year, I've decided I'm done with the KCBT league. I want to grab some of those guys, because I enjoy playing with them, and get a league team together out at Frank White or something.

Death and Family

My sister lost her son 10 months ago tomorrow (Feb 24, 2008).

The state of things as they are now:

My sister and her husband continue in their religious fervor.

My mother is a bit distressed about everyone. She is definitely in 'worried' mode about my sister.

My dad as usual is just trying to help everyone out.

My brother, I'm not sure where he's at in this whole mess.

Me, well...I have declared my unbelief in God to everyone except my mom, she doesn't need to worry about me as well as everyone else. I really don't want to even be here in KC anymore. I just want to get away from everyone because there is nothing I can really do to help. I just stand around at family gatherings and watch...then leave. I hate it. There is nothing to do...but do nothing. So I try to avoid as much contact as possible, still playing softball...and save up for possibly moving away to Chicago to be around Caleb again. We'll see if that works out or not.

My dad offered some advice from when his sister lost her son back in the early 90's, but their relationship is not severed by religion like mine with my family. Most of my family goes to church, hangs out with church people and they all do church stuff. I dont take part in it so I really don't "fit in". I'd rather go out, have some drinks and get stupid than go to family crap, it's miserable now. Everyone puts on their face and walks on eggshells around my sister and her family, and I know she can tell but what else is there to do?

She don't use jelly

I know there are some quirky people out there, but I recently dated this bi-err-girl. We met over the internet (oh ya, this is going to get good). Now, I know what you are saying, "socially inept". Ya, well...maybe I am, but I would like to think I'm fairly normal. I am not a nerd, I play sports, I have a job, so if I'm on the web looking for a girl, maybe there is a girl similar to me out there doing the same.

Anyway, back to this bi-err-lady. We go to dinner together, things go great. The next weekend I visit her again and she states she is going to cook me dinner. She had mentioned she's a picky eater but that's ok, I'm not so this should go pretty well. She cooks a weird stir-fry of pre-cooked turkey, eggs, peas, corn and white rice. I notice the soy sauce she uses has the green cap, I know that the green cap is low sodium. She's trying to be healthy, no big deal.

We sit down to eat and I look around for the salt and pepper. It's nowhere in sight so, in not trying to offend the bi-err-girl, I start eating. The stuff is bland. No seasoning at all. Great.

"Hey, where's the salt and pepper?".

"Oh, it's in the cupboard, why?"

"Can I have some?"

"Sure. Sorry, but I don't like salt."

Time out. What did she just say? Did she just say I don't like salt? Time in.

"Hey, I just remembered I don't date bi-err-girls that don't like salt. I gotta go."

How can anyone not like salt? I can't believe this is true. What I DO believe is that she wants to be the odd person. The person that is so unique for their oddities in life that people will remember them. So she is the bi-umm-person that doesn't like salt. You have fun with that.

Peace

I have been asked recently if I had 'peace' in my life. Peace. My christian family and friends constantly claim that their faith brings them peace that endures, peace that "passes all understanding".

It makes me chuckle. Let me list some of their logic points:

1. Their faith brings everlasting peace (peace that lasts forever).
2. The world cannot offer such peace.
3. The world can bring joy, but only for a "season" (short while).

This can all be tracked back to biblical verses, just ask a bible thumping christian and I'm sure they'd be happy to show you, but let's take it a step further.

This "everlasting peace" is not evelasting at all. I was there at one time, and now I'm not. This peace doesn't continually wash over me, telling me everything is going to be ok. I have found that it was a peace that was only renewable by practicing those religious activities week in and week out.

I can find that same peace now though through other meditative practices, like listening to music or being with my good friends. Nothing in this world, even religion, can give you that feeling forever and ever, you have to keep going back to it. In fact, I have found that since I departed from religion I have found myself thinking more and more about who I am, than who I was supposed to be concerning my religion. My departure from religion has allowed me to really explore the world, who I am and where I want to go. When I was involved with religion everything in life was focused around it and all I could see is where I was failing to be what I was supposed to be, and that was a person trying to achieve perfection, a goal that was forever unattainable.

Now, the debate has been taken a step further by asking me if I had joy in my life. Well, let me ask those close to me out there. Am I expected to have joy in my life after losing 5 family members in three months time? I think, all things considered, I am doing quite well in the joy category. I know for a fact that no measured depth of faith can overcome that feeling of loss, especially over a two year old nephew. It takes time, whether you find that relief, that peace, that joy, through religion or meditation is your choice, but don't confuse your desired method as the only method available. Take into consideration what you are ritually doing to find that peace or joy in your life and realize that it is what it is, a ritual that you have to keep going back to in order to maintain that feeling of contentment.

Chicago

I just got back from a 7 day business trip to Chicago. I got a chance to really get out and see the town and mingle with the locals. It was a great trip to gain perspective on life here in Kansas City.

First of all, I wish Kansas City wasn't so damn mediocre about sports. Everyone in Chicago, from the eldery to the kids, men and women were all wearing sports memorabilia. In Kansas City you are lucky to see people wear their stuff to a game let alone around the city.

Secondly, if you get bored in Chicago you are a loser. There is so much to do, so much to see. It's amazing what you can find walking two minutes in any direction. Food, clothes, art stores...anything and everything.

Lastly, it was great to see another sub-culture in America. I have never spent a lot of time in another US city. People's priorities in Chicago don't seem to be about moving out of the city, but moving into the city to be closer to the hustle and bustle. Here in KC everyone wants to move out to the quiet suburbs and own some land...till the land. It's all because it has been engrained in our minds from birth here in the midwest. The more remote your location here in the midwest, the better off you are it seems. While in Chicago, the closer you are to all the action the better off you are. How can two cities, only a few hundred miles away from each other be so different? How can 2 groups of similar people think so differently? How can we have such different life values in our hierarchy of self defined wants? It is where we grew up, who raised us and where they grew up. I found it very similar to how groups of people view religion. People growing up in the same areas tend to believe the same thing. There is always a dominant religion in any sub-culture. It permeates from generation to generation.

To sum up my post, not only do we want what those around us want, we also believe what those around us believe because they are around us. It is easy to fall in the trap and be one of the many that just goes with the flow. But to rise above our "instincts" and see life for what it is, that is the beginning of true "enlightenment".

Alone

Many years ago when I had someone to hold, my heart sang.
Slow me down I'm still chasing spirits spinning around wide open spaces.
Oh, who will save me now?

Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.

Lately deep at night when all lovers come to life, my soul burns.
It's hard for me to admit the loneliness has worn out all hope in my eyes.
Am I still alive? Am I still alive?
Oh, who will save me now?

Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.
Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.

Whatever it takes somewhere I know I'll find it,
Off in the ends of the world are the deepest of stormy seas.
Know I'm slowly finding out that birds like me were made to fly alone for all eternity.

This song defines EXACTLY how I feel.

http://www.purevolume.com/wolftron - Safe

I Don't Need Help

...eff you.

An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.

From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...

I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.

Intervention

Greatest show on TV right now. If you are feeling down, you can always watch this show to pick yourself up immediately. Ya I've had a rough year...at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat...and I'm not addicted to crack or meth. Sure I feel lonely sometimes but eh, it's better than being in those peoples shoes. Thank God I've never had the desire to do drugs...my addictive personality would let that stuff consume me in a heartbeat.

Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....

Time keeps on ticking

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked too much of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself, that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me, away from me.

There's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous faces, pacing for bad news.
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their heads.
I'm thinking of what Sarah said, that love is watching someone die...


That was Deathcab for those that don't know. So if that's true, then what is remembering someone die, is that love too? A friend said something to me today, "are you burying it or getting over it..and is there a difference? I don't know". I'm not sure there is a difference. What is "getting over it" anyway? Is that forgetting it ever happened or is that no longer feeling sad about it? I don't know...maybe I'll have an answer in 10 or 20 years...or maybe when I'm dead.

Reflection

It's been over two months since Gralon passed away. I have kept pretty busy with work, softball, family, friends and romance. I'm afraid all keeping busy has done is bury what I've been trying to avoid this whole time, which is dealing with the fact that Gralon is dead. I have listened to everyone talk...avoiding the subject as much as possible. Even I am careful to not bring it up in all situations. One of my co-workers walked up to my desk while I was looking at pictures of Gray last week and I quickly minimized it, trying to hide what I was doing. I have watched several movies and multiple times I am reminded of seeing him on the emergency room bed....his face pale, i remember how rosy his cheeks always were but that color is all gone. I remember the dried blood on his face and wondering to my self what he was doing in his last few moments. How scared he had to have been in that ambulance...crying. I can't help but think about it....I wish I wouldn't but I do.

It's late...11:20 PM. I finished watching a DVD by Sigur Ros and the whole time I just thought about everything that's happened....I haven't really turned to alcohol except for one day, the Thursday after Gralon died. I lost it that day and I refused to take part in anything. My dad came over because I wasn't answering my phone. I was drunk, straight whiskey. He was pissed and scared, understandably. Alcoholism is no stranger to his side of the family. I just was tired of feeling anything...and no longer wished to feel that day. Tonight I had the same feeling again and it was a bit scary. I didn't drink anything but I wanted to. I immediately thought about work and that is my main reason for not doing it, I have to go to work. I have to keep making money in order to live. I have to..I have to...I have to. There is no choice there, but the temptation alone is what scares me. The fact that drinking came to my mind. Bad bad. Just a bad couple of days I think.

I think of my family and how they are dealing with it....it has to be easier than this. I recall the sermon from Sunday "in times of trial we want to crawl in a hole away from everyone and tend our wounds on our own, but that is now how God intended for things to happen." I agree...but it's 11:20PM, I don't feel like calling someone to whine about "how depressed i am". How horrible. All I can think of is how much harder my sister has it....how much harder my dad had it coming back from Vietnam. I feel I have no excuse for feeling this way, so I bury it. Bury it deep. Stitch it up. I'll have eternity to reckon with it, but here on Earth there are many more that have it much worse than I. I'll just get out the old sewing kit..I've had good practice with it in the past....

Hanging On

It's been twelve days since my nephew passed away, and all I can do right now is just trudge through each day, keeping my head up and staving off the depression and the loneliness. I look to God for support but there is a reason why there are people on this earth, we need the embrace of those we love in times like these, but I know that right now I have to just walk straight and strong as my sister is still needing us to be strong for her.

I find solace in my music once again. Hearing the words sang that I want spoken to me.

Cat Powers -
"You better come, come come, come come to me. You better run, run run, run run to me."

Open, Parachute -
"As we climbed out of our sunny valley, we couldn't help but notice that it was gray"

Copeland -
"There's an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath. As he looks down, you're not making a sound. Open your eyes, look at me. I'll pray to you whatever you need. And I'll tell you I'm sorry, that I can't take this pain away from you and put it on my own heart. Can't you see? I've got to bust you out of here somehow. I've never seen your heart this tired, never seen your spirit held down. I know you say this is what you get for being the bad child. But I know this will be your reward in just a little while. It's testing the strong ones, it's scarring the beautiful ones, it's holding your loved ones, one last time."

It hurts and helps at the same time....

Perspective

and little ever changes when you view it from the sky
and the damage we encounter the earth just passes by
and little ever changes if anything at all
and we remind ourselves how small we are

Rainy Days

it's just those rainy days.
spend your lifetime trying to wash away.
'til the sun shines and i see your face, just smile for me, smile at me.

God knows

February 2008 will be a month that I will look back on in five to ten years and be able to pinpoint the day when things started to change. My nephew passed away on February 24 2008, my dad's fifty-ninth birthday. I can't even begin to fathom what my sister and my brother-in-law are going through right now. I can only pray that they will find strength to carry on.

I hadn't prayed seriously in years but on my way to the hospital that night I prayed. I was praying that it wasn't true, that my nephew was going to make it. I was praying that this was a dream, that it wasn't real. I was praying to God, who I hadn't talked to in a long time that He wouldn't do this to my sister who had devoted her life to Him, her and her husband.

God knows. Joseph Heller wrote a book with this title. God knows, why. It's been less than forty-eight hours since my nephew passed and these questions are being asked. Why did he die? What was it for? God knows. Is that supposed to be comforting? What a cold empty answer. There is no satisfaction in that answer, only emptiness. Only the quiet voice of modern day God. They say God doesn't change but there was a time when God spoke to people, maybe if He would speak to one of us this answer would be of some comfort. But we live in a time where we haven't heard God's voice for two thousand years. God knows, and I guess all will be made known when it's our time to go, only to leave others behind with the same question and the same answer.

For now I'm not going to look for an answer because the only one out there leaves me with more questions...

Disclaimer

I am not a writer, so my written "Engrich" is not so good.

I started this blog to serve as a journal but as I would start to write each post, all of which have since been deleted, I would begin to ramble and lose my train of thought.

So, I have decided to try to make this blog a progression of my development as a person to give it some sort of direction. I want it to represent how I perceived life from a kid, to how I perceive it now. I don't know how long it will take, or what it will end up being but I hope that it becomes something worth reading.