tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37263943644744771822024-03-13T13:29:02.154-05:00Bo TalkI am normalJakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-1333145436399496882009-12-04T00:04:00.003-06:002009-12-04T00:13:51.195-06:00Are you happy?I love this question. It is always asked by someone who thinks they have the answer to this question. It's always a trap...that I love falling for, only for the sake of the argument that follows. Religion is the typical solution offered. But little does the poor soul know that I have an extensive background in the subject. I try to disguise my excitement and slowly reel them in with a series of awesome questions.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I am depressed...I feel like I'm missing something.<br /><br />Can this give me eternal peace and happiness?<br /><br />So, you are happy???<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>It's funny to me...the answers they give. Sure, religion offers peace and happiness, but it doesn't exempt you from depression or sadness or pain. Nowhere does it say that...much like those Al Queda and their 30 virgins the only real promises they can make involve nothing they can prove. It's all fairy tales and unicorns.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well...I never said you'd ALWAYS be happy.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">God wouldn't let that happen to you...unless he WANTED to, plus He only gives you what you can handle. </span>Ya...up to the point of death, so there is no limit just feel good promises.<br /><br />I don't say all this out of spite for being burned by religion..ok, I PARTLY say that out of spite but I do like to think I'm partially objective (maybe I'm blinded just like I think my religious counterparts are blinded)<span style="font-style: italic;">. </span>I just can't stand the lures used and then the reality that's given after by these people. Just follow your religion and be honest about it...or does that make it too difficult to sell?Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-85741158158443735402009-07-01T23:03:00.005-05:002009-07-01T23:34:13.171-05:00Quick thoughtI'll pitch this as a "program" with no defined form of media at this point.<br /><br />Said program would entail a few people revisiting the same topic of conversation over time. Reflecting on what they felt about the topic at different times in their life all the way up to now and what caused them to have those viewpoints.<br /><br />Example types of people:<br />World War II Generation<br />Baby Boomer Generation<br />Generation X<br />Generation Y<br />Geneartion <today> (Emo?)<br />Homeless<br />Rich<br /><br />Example topics:<br />Having a Black President<br />Technology<br />Trust of our Government<br />Foreign Viewpoints<br />Drugs<br />Economy<br />Music<br />Religion<br /><br />Just dabbling with ideas right now...I have always been intrigued with peoples viewpoints on certain subjects and trying to understand why they think the way they do. Why does my grandfather hate interracial relationships? I hear the answer, "it's a generational thing" but he is all for equality and against racism so what's the big deal? I would love to heare HIS answer and compare it to someone of say my generation give their viewpoint.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-14333942881857306202009-06-13T23:04:00.003-05:002009-06-15T11:05:00.746-05:00MarriageThe more I think about marriage the more I think it is so backwards I just don't understand it. And I don't say that because divorce rates are so high...I say it because I can't see myself being married before the age of 40, if ever. I don't have a problem with commitment, I have a problem with how naive people are towards commitment. Christians are probably the worst, driven by youthful lust they get married and wake up from a haze years later only to realize that they might have made a mistake, but now stuck because of their faith, they duke it out for years and it may turn out all right but they end up asking "What if?". Or those that think they are in love with someone and get married, because that's what you do when you are in love only to find out that they married a piece of garbage of a person and now have to go through the pains of divorce.<br /><br />Marriage is supposed to be forever and yet most people choose someone while they are still getting an education or not long after they just started working. On average, most people get married right after the first quarter of their life. They have just gone through some of the most drastic changes in their life and they are deciding on who they want to spend the other three quarters of their life with? That, to me, is absurd. It's such a crap shoot that I don't want to even think about it. I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I like, how am I going to know what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Even when I think I do find that person I am going to take a long time in making that final step...I think marriage should be a celebration of a long standing commitment, not a promise of future commitment. What if, after twenty years with someone you finally got married? You finally celebrated this commitment to one another. You finally went on a honeymoon. To me, that is more beautiful than a traditional marriage.<br /><br />I guess that's my definition of what kind of girl I'm looking for...one that understands what this post means to me.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-68036925167561274552009-04-01T22:36:00.002-05:002009-04-01T23:14:54.039-05:00PerceptionIf perception is reality then what is real to one person is not real to someone else. Whose reality is the true reality,and is there anyway to measure it? Even if you can measure a person's perceived reality as being false and show them the results, getting them to acknowledge that everything they had believed is not the true reality would be extremely difficult. What if that reality isn't a physical reality but a belief...you can't measure a belief and so you can't prove it.<br /><br />At the purest fundamental aspect of religion, a person ultimately chooses to believe in a religion and make it their reality. Maybe they made that choice because it was the same choice as their parents. Maybe it's because it is their nations religion. But it always comes down to a choice, a choice that is influenced by their "reality", which is purely a perception of what is actually real.<br /><br />This is not a logic flow to show that religion isn't real, I am just trying to say that maybe believing in a religion limits how much of reality we can actually see. What if believing in religion limits how much one sees of reality? Maybe I'm wrong because of my perception...maybe I am the one that has limited sight of what is actually real because I choose not to believe in any religion. Everyone's belief or lack thereof alters their perception on what is actually real...and in the end I'm not sure anyone has ever seen the world as it is...without an altered perception. There is no base line.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-82669123651627503872009-03-11T21:22:00.002-05:002009-03-11T21:27:12.952-05:00LocationIf one were to compare where they lived to women I would say Minnesota is the hot girl you see at the bar that turns out to be a complete bitch.<br /><br />Seriously, this place looks amazing but it treats you like shit. It's way too cold and it snows way too much, but it sure is pretty to look at. It's great for a one night stand but I wouldn't want to make a life here. When you can't scrape your windshield off without your privates shrinking to the size of a stack of pennies worth ten cents you need to move along to someplace warmer. It may look nice, but it isn't worth the trouble long term...global warming my ass, it's COLD!Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-12110599394456705192009-03-05T22:03:00.000-06:002009-03-05T22:21:00.490-06:00CreationI remember hearing a sermon from a well respected pastor who made the comment along the lines of "do you think it's an accident that god made the year exactly 365 days and the day exactly 24 hours long?" to which I reply, "no, because those are false statements". The solar calendar AND the lunar calendar are not perfect. The number of days it takes to revolve around the sun is not a perfect number and so we have to use a leap year and a bunch of other crazy calculations to keep our calendar in synch with the seasons otherwise eventually our summer will be winter. So, what's the reason behind that, biblically? Why the imperfection, what does that symbolize? I feel it points to yet another thing Christians will chalk up to "you can't understand God, he is unfathomable" and this will go unanswered. I, on the other hand, think it points to how imperfect our earth really is. Maybe there isn't a master planner behind all of this, maybe we just "are" and all we have is "now".<br /><br />I love that speech, if you haven't heard it you should listen sometime, for now I'll quote it.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Spirituality is a particular term which actually means dealing with intuition.In the theistic tradition there is a notion of clinging into a word.A certain act is regarded as displeasing to a divine principles. A certain act is regarded as pleasing for the divine … whatever.In the tradition of non-theoism, however, it is very direct — that the case history are not particularly important. What is actually important is here and now. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">Now is definitely now.</span> We try to experience what is available there, on the spot. There is no point in thinking that a past did exist that we could have now. This is now. This very moment. Nothing mystical, just now, very simple, straight forward. And from that nowness, however, arises a sense of intelligence always that you are constantly interacting with reality one by one. Spot by spot. Constantly. We actually experience fantastic precision, always.<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">But we are threatened by the now so we jump to the past or the future.</span> Paying attention to the materials that exist in our life — such rich life that we lead — all these choices takes place all the time, but none of them regarded as bad or good per say — everything we experience are unconditional experience. They don’t come along with a label saying ‘this is regarded as bad’, ‘this is good’. <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">But we experience them but we don’t actually pay heed to them properly. We don’t actually regard that we are going somewhere. We regard that as a hassle. Waiting to be dead.That is a problem. That is not trusting the nowness properly that what is the actual experience now possesses a lot of powerful things. It is so powerful that we can’t face it. Therefore, we have to borrow from the past and invite the future all the time.Maybe that’s why we seek religion</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 51);">. </span>Maybe that’s why we march in the street. Maybe that’s why we complain to society. Maybe that’s why we vote for the presidents.It is quite ironic. Very funny indeed."</span> - Chögyam Trungpa<br /><br />Sometime I'll break this down and really explain what I like about this speech/quote, mainly the stuff I have highlighted.<br /></div>Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-23431067332151724422009-03-01T14:08:00.000-06:002009-03-01T14:13:09.128-06:00The big stepI did it. As I post this I am sitting in a room in a house in Superior, Wisconsin. It's a small town just on the other side of Lake Superior from Duluth, Minnesota. I start a new job tomorrow. Once I get entrenched with this new company I will make the second move to Chicago which I will be calling home for a while, maybe permanently while working from home remotely.<br /><br />It was time to spread my wings, no I'm not going to get a tattoo of wings on my back to symbolize the start of this new journey...well, at least not yet. I am interested to see where this takes me though. The new people, the new places, the new opportunities. Cheers!Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-62356113168968704152009-01-19T10:45:00.000-06:002009-01-19T10:55:23.471-06:00Off KilterThis post is an odd one but I got on the subject of eyes. Every girl I've ever been remotely interested in has had killer eyes. The kind of eyes that one look from her is like a punch in the stomach. So I came to the argument, who has the best eyes out there, speaking of famous people.<br /><br />So it came down to these two - <a href="http://www.musicstars.com.ar/n/natalie_imbruglia/natalie_imbruglia6.jpg">Natalie Imbruglia</a> and <a href="http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/RSPOD/RS642%7ESinead-O-Connor-Rolling-Stone-no-642-October-1992-Posters.jpg">Sinead O'Connor</a><br /><br />I have to go with Nat...but I am afraid I may have been influenced by the "overall image" category.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-22666035889348363282009-01-05T15:10:00.000-06:002009-01-05T15:20:25.101-06:00Former Glory"But it's at the ending of the story that all your former glory is pushed back into the light, to light up the darkest night and the blackest sky...<br /><br />And now the days they blur together, after all they're all the same. But you're still trying to make sense of the names. There's only seven to remember, but you're struggling with three, and the weight of the world has brought you to your knees...<br /><br />Someday you'll watch the second hand like a hawk, hanging on to everything you've got. Your hairs white and blowing in the wind on your porch. Would you do it all again?"<br /><br />- The Hoodies<br /><br />As I face big changes ahead I reflect on these words. Am I content to just pass the time, day in and day out? Watching those around me entrench themselves in their lives, or am I going to break free of this monotony and do something? I feel like the observer here, in Kansas City. Invited to observe everyone elses lives...invited to everyone elses weddings, birthdays, family functions, house warmings, accomplishment celebrations. I need to make my own life...for me to take part in. I am happy for everyone else, but I want to be happy for me too. It isn't about competing, it's about taking a chance.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-24972257112543301482008-12-08T12:24:00.000-06:002008-12-08T12:48:44.855-06:00Happy and RemembranceMore so than the meaning of life, the question of 'Are you happy?' seems to come up time and again over the course of a person's lifetime. Am I happy? What is the context of that question? Is it a question about my state of mind and that very precise moment in time, or is it a question about how I feel about my life most of the time. If I am happy 51% of the time, then overall I am happy.<br /><br />Happiness is defined as : characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.<br /><br />I think contentment is what we are really asking about. Happiness tends to relate to specific moments in life, as in "Are you happy today?". Contentment is an overall assessment of your life. Are you content with where you are in your life? I hate this question, as people we are never content. How can we ever say we are content no matter what we are doing or where we are. To be content is more of a percentage based question, I am content most of the time. It's the same with happiness. I am never happy all of the time...I am never content all of the time. If anyone out there is, then they are what I would call enlightened and have achieved everything there is to achieve in life and have nothing left to look forward to in this life. So then, they would become so depressed at this fact and thus end their lives. That's how I view that question...what a horrible question to ask someone.<br /><br />I wanted to make two seperate posts but I figured I would just do one and be done for a while. Consider this paragraph the breaker between the two subjects.<br /><br />"The problem with forgetting is that you remember." - Tim O'Brien<br /><br />I never understood this until I lost my nephew. I have tried to forget him, put his memories out of my mind, but the more I try to forget the more I remember. Either I see a little boy with his parents at the grocery store, or someone brings him up in conversation. It's impossible to forget him. I have given up trying to forget and have chosen instead to remember. The cute things he did or said. Playing with him, watching him run around like an idiot and tripping over everything on the floor. Remembering when he broke his arm, him falling down the stairs at my mom's house. The cries, the smiles, the laughs. The spiderman toy I bought him for Christmas that scared him to death.<br /><br />The problem with forgetting is that you remember. Just remember...Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-28494951536829002402008-10-30T14:06:00.000-05:002008-10-30T14:24:09.249-05:00And the new season begins...Softball is winding down and talk of next year is already starting. I finally quit my old team like a bad habit. There were some good memories there. I learned a lot from those guys and I'll never forget them. Now I have to decide what to do about next year, who am I going to play for?<br /><br />There are already 4 teams asking me to play - 3 E teams and 1 D team (D being a higher division level, more competitive).<br /><br />One of the E teams is already out of the picture, they are just a bunch of old guys that probably won't go anywhere. They'll win some games but I just don't really fit in and they'll be quittin the game in a couple of years due to their age.<br /><br />The D team could be fun but I'm not sure I'm ready to be playing competitive D ball. Sure, I can hold down the outfield, I may not have the arm but I can track and catch with some of the best in KC. It's the hitting that I'm just not comfortable with at that level.<br /><br />As for the two E teams...one team I have tons of fun with 99% of the guys on the team, but the one running the team is annoying as hell. If he wasn't there I'd play with them in a heartbeat.<br /><br />The last team, is a solid team and were making a solid run at World's this year, until it got rained out. I'm just not sure how will I mesh with these guys because I have only played with 3 or 4 of their guys. It's going to be a tough decision and I'll have to make one sooner or later.<br /><br /><br />As for league ball next year, I've decided I'm done with the KCBT league. I want to grab some of those guys, because I enjoy playing with them, and get a league team together out at Frank White or something.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-73493848785294828792008-10-23T16:18:00.001-05:002008-10-23T16:18:40.369-05:00Death and FamilyMy sister lost her son 10 months ago tomorrow (Feb 24, 2008).<br /><br />The state of things as they are now:<br /><br />My sister and her husband continue in their religious fervor.<br /><br />My mother is a bit distressed about everyone. She is definitely in 'worried' mode about my sister.<br /><br />My dad as usual is just trying to help everyone out.<br /><br />My brother, I'm not sure where he's at in this whole mess.<br /><br />Me, well...I have declared my unbelief in God to everyone except my mom, she doesn't need to worry about me as well as everyone else. I really don't want to even be here in KC anymore. I just want to get away from everyone because there is nothing I can really do to help. I just stand around at family gatherings and watch...then leave. I hate it. There is nothing to do...but do nothing. So I try to avoid as much contact as possible, still playing softball...and save up for possibly moving away to Chicago to be around Caleb again. We'll see if that works out or not.<br /><br />My dad offered some advice from when his sister lost her son back in the early 90's, but their relationship is not severed by religion like mine with my family. Most of my family goes to church, hangs out with church people and they all do church stuff. I dont take part in it so I really don't "fit in". I'd rather go out, have some drinks and get stupid than go to family crap, it's miserable now. Everyone puts on their face and walks on eggshells around my sister and her family, and I know she can tell but what else is there to do?Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-72616786866584218912008-10-01T14:12:00.000-05:002008-10-01T14:45:48.804-05:00She don't use jellyI know there are some quirky people out there, but I recently dated this bi-err-girl. We met over the internet (oh ya, this is going to get good). Now, I know what you are saying, "socially inept". Ya, well...maybe I am, but I would like to think I'm fairly normal. I am not a nerd, I play sports, I have a job, so if I'm on the web looking for a girl, maybe there is a girl similar to me out there doing the same.<br /><br />Anyway, back to this bi-err-lady. We go to dinner together, things go great. The next weekend I visit her again and she states she is going to cook me dinner. She had mentioned she's a picky eater but that's ok, I'm not so this should go pretty well. She cooks a weird stir-fry of pre-cooked turkey, eggs, peas, corn and white rice. I notice the soy sauce she uses has the green cap, I know that the green cap is low sodium. She's trying to be healthy, no big deal.<br /><br />We sit down to eat and I look around for the salt and pepper. It's nowhere in sight so, in not trying to offend the bi-err-girl, I start eating. The stuff is bland. No seasoning at all. Great.<br /><br />"Hey, where's the salt and pepper?".<br /><br />"Oh, it's in the cupboard, why?"<br /><br />"Can I have some?"<br /><br />"Sure. Sorry, but I don't like salt."<br /><br />Time out. What did she just say? Did she just say I don't like salt? Time in.<br /><br />"Hey, I just remembered I don't date bi-err-girls that don't like salt. I gotta go."<br /><br />How can anyone not like salt? I can't believe this is true. What I DO believe is that she wants to be the odd person. The person that is so unique for their oddities in life that people will remember them. So she is the bi-umm-person that doesn't like salt. You have fun with that.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-6724508761681196022008-09-24T14:53:00.000-05:002008-09-24T15:10:32.074-05:00PeaceI have been asked recently if I had 'peace' in my life. Peace. My christian family and friends constantly claim that their faith brings them peace that endures, peace that "passes all understanding".<br /><br />It makes me chuckle. Let me list some of their logic points:<br /><br />1. Their faith brings everlasting peace (peace that lasts forever).<br />2. The world cannot offer such peace.<br />3. The world can bring joy, but only for a "season" (short while).<br /><br />This can all be tracked back to biblical verses, just ask a bible thumping christian and I'm sure they'd be happy to show you, but let's take it a step further.<br /><br />This "everlasting peace" is not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">evelasting</span> at all. I was there at one time, and now I'm not. This peace doesn't continually wash over me, telling me everything is going to be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ok</span>. I have found that it was a peace that was only renewable by practicing those religious activities week in and week out.<br /><br />I can find that same peace now though through other meditative practices, like listening to music or being with my good friends. Nothing in this world, even religion, can give you that feeling forever and ever, you have to keep going back to it. In fact, I have found that since I departed from religion I have found myself thinking more and more about who I am, than who I was supposed to be concerning my religion. My departure from religion has allowed me to really explore the world, who I am and where I want to go. When I was involved with religion everything in life was focused around it and all I could see is where I was failing to be what I was supposed to be, and that was a person trying to achieve perfection, a goal that was forever unattainable.<br /><br />Now, the debate has been taken a step further by asking me if I had joy in my life. Well, let me ask those close to me out there. Am I expected to have joy in my life after losing 5 family members in three months time? I think, all things considered, I am doing quite well in the joy category. I know for a fact that no measured depth of faith can overcome that feeling of loss, especially over a two year old nephew. It takes time, whether you find that relief, that peace, that joy, through religion or meditation is your choice, but don't confuse your desired method as the only method available. Take into consideration what you are ritually doing to find that peace or joy in your life and realize that it is what it is, a ritual that you have to keep going back to in order to maintain that feeling of contentment.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-53693704669449129692008-09-15T12:23:00.000-05:002008-09-15T12:56:14.286-05:00ChicagoI just got back from a 7 day business trip to Chicago. I got a chance to really get out and see the town and mingle with the locals. It was a great trip to gain perspective on life here in Kansas City.<br /><br />First of all, I wish Kansas City wasn't so damn mediocre about sports. Everyone in Chicago, from the eldery to the kids, men and women were all wearing sports memorabilia. In Kansas City you are lucky to see people wear their stuff to a game let alone around the city.<br /><br />Secondly, if you get bored in Chicago you are a loser. There is so much to do, so much to see. It's amazing what you can find walking two minutes in any direction. Food, clothes, art stores...anything and everything.<br /><br />Lastly, it was great to see another sub-culture in America. I have never spent a lot of time in another US city. People's priorities in Chicago don't seem to be about moving out of the city, but moving into the city to be closer to the hustle and bustle. Here in KC everyone wants to move out to the quiet suburbs and own some land...till the land. It's all because it has been engrained in our minds from birth here in the midwest. The more remote your location here in the midwest, the better off you are it seems. While in Chicago, the closer you are to all the action the better off you are. How can two cities, only a few hundred miles away from each other be so different? How can 2 groups of similar people think so differently? How can we have such different life values in our hierarchy of self defined wants? It is where we grew up, who raised us and where they grew up. I found it very similar to how groups of people view religion. People growing up in the same areas tend to believe the same thing. There is always a dominant religion in any sub-culture. It permeates from generation to generation.<br /><br />To sum up my post, not only do we want what those around us want, we also believe what those around us believe because they are around us. It is easy to fall in the trap and be one of the many that just goes with the flow. But to rise above our "instincts" and see life for what it is, that is the beginning of true "enlightenment".Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-41935586321889964352008-07-17T17:08:00.000-05:002008-07-17T17:11:30.379-05:00AloneMany years ago when I had someone to hold, my heart sang.<br />Slow me down I'm still chasing spirits spinning around wide open spaces.<br />Oh, who will save me now?<br /><br />Sleep for now, let it pass.<br />Someday maybe I will understand.<br /><br />Lately deep at night when all lovers come to life, my soul burns.<br />It's hard for me to admit the loneliness has worn out all hope in my eyes.<br />Am I still alive? Am I still alive?<br />Oh, who will save me now?<br /><br />Sleep for now, let it pass.<br />Someday maybe I will understand.<br />Sleep for now, let it pass.<br />Someday maybe I will understand.<br /><br />Whatever it takes somewhere I know I'll find it,<br />Off in the ends of the world are the deepest of stormy seas.<br />Know I'm slowly finding out that birds like me were made to fly alone for all eternity.<br /><br />This song defines EXACTLY how I feel.<br /><br />http://www.purevolume.com/wolftron - SafeJakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-17623361056022341822008-07-14T21:58:00.000-05:002008-07-18T09:58:10.612-05:00I Don't Need Help...eff you.<br /><br />An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.<br /><br />From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...<br /><br />I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-77693145429694778022008-07-10T22:36:00.000-05:002008-07-10T22:47:00.899-05:00InterventionGreatest show on TV right now. If you are feeling down, you can always watch this show to pick yourself up immediately. Ya I've had a rough year...at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat...and I'm not addicted to crack or meth. Sure I feel lonely sometimes but eh, it's better than being in those peoples shoes. Thank God I've never had the desire to do drugs...my addictive personality would let that stuff consume me in a heartbeat.<br /><br />Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-65985042505154935732008-05-01T23:12:00.000-05:002008-05-01T23:26:40.666-05:00Time keeps on tickingAnd it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time<br />As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked too much of piss and 409<br />And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself, that I'd already taken too much today<br />As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me, away from me.<br /><br />There's no comfort in the waiting room<br />Just nervous faces, pacing for bad news.<br />Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their heads.<br />I'm thinking of what Sarah said, that love is watching someone die...<br /><br /><br />That was Deathcab for those that don't know. So if that's true, then what is remembering someone die, is that love too? A friend said something to me today, "are you burying it or getting over it..and is there a difference? I don't know". I'm not sure there is a difference. What is "getting over it" anyway? Is that forgetting it ever happened or is that no longer feeling sad about it? I don't know...maybe I'll have an answer in 10 or 20 years...or maybe when I'm dead.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-52447820948769035522008-04-28T23:14:00.000-05:002008-04-28T23:29:20.733-05:00ReflectionIt's been over two months since Gralon passed away. I have kept pretty busy with work, softball, family, friends and romance. I'm afraid all keeping busy has done is bury what I've been trying to avoid this whole time, which is dealing with the fact that Gralon is dead. I have listened to everyone talk...avoiding the subject as much as possible. Even I am careful to not bring it up in all situations. One of my co-workers walked up to my desk while I was looking at pictures of Gray last week and I quickly minimized it, trying to hide what I was doing. I have watched several movies and multiple times I am reminded of seeing him on the emergency room bed....his face pale, i remember how rosy his cheeks always were but that color is all gone. I remember the dried blood on his face and wondering to my self what he was doing in his last few moments. How scared he had to have been in that ambulance...crying. I can't help but think about it....I wish I wouldn't but I do.<br /><br />It's late...11:20 PM. I finished watching a DVD by Sigur Ros and the whole time I just thought about everything that's happened....I haven't really turned to alcohol except for one day, the Thursday after Gralon died. I lost it that day and I refused to take part in anything. My dad came over because I wasn't answering my phone. I was drunk, straight whiskey. He was pissed and scared, understandably. Alcoholism is no stranger to his side of the family. I just was tired of feeling anything...and no longer wished to feel that day. Tonight I had the same feeling again and it was a bit scary. I didn't drink anything but I wanted to. I immediately thought about work and that is my main reason for not doing it, I have to go to work. I have to keep making money in order to live. I have to..I have to...I have to. There is no choice there, but the temptation alone is what scares me. The fact that drinking came to my mind. Bad bad. Just a bad couple of days I think.<br /><br />I think of my family and how they are dealing with it....it has to be easier than this. I recall the sermon from Sunday "in times of trial we want to crawl in a hole away from everyone and tend our wounds on our own, but that is now how God intended for things to happen." I agree...but it's 11:20PM, I don't feel like calling someone to whine about "how depressed i am". How horrible. All I can think of is how much harder my sister has it....how much harder my dad had it coming back from Vietnam. I feel I have no excuse for feeling this way, so I bury it. Bury it deep. Stitch it up. I'll have eternity to reckon with it, but here on Earth there are many more that have it much worse than I. I'll just get out the old sewing kit..I've had good practice with it in the past....Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-51784024638053084532008-03-07T16:50:00.000-06:002008-03-07T17:14:30.102-06:00Hanging OnIt's been twelve days since my nephew passed away, and all I can do right now is just trudge through each day, keeping my head up and staving off the depression and the loneliness. I look to God for support but there is a reason why there are people on this earth, we need the embrace of those we love in times like these, but I know that right now I have to just walk straight and strong as my sister is still needing us to be strong for her.<br /><br />I find solace in my music once again. Hearing the words sang that I want spoken to me.<br /><br />Cat Powers -<br />"You better come, come come, come come to me. You better run, run run, run run to me."<br /><br />Open, Parachute -<br />"As we climbed out of our sunny valley, we couldn't help but notice that it was gray"<br /><br />Copeland -<br />"There's an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath. As he looks down, you're not making a sound. Open your eyes, look at me. I'll pray to you whatever you need. And I'll tell you I'm sorry, that I can't take this pain away from you and put it on my own heart. Can't you see? I've got to bust you out of here somehow. I've never seen your heart this tired, never seen your spirit held down. I know you say this is what you get for being the bad child. But I know this will be your reward in just a little while. It's testing the strong ones, it's scarring the beautiful ones, it's holding your loved ones, one last time."<br /><br />It hurts and helps at the same time....Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-3519320290932856602008-03-03T15:42:00.001-06:002008-03-03T15:42:54.739-06:00Perspectiveand little ever changes when you view it from the sky<br /> and the damage we encounter the earth just passes by<br /> and little ever changes if anything at all<br /> and we remind ourselves how small we areJakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-61019194170947522462008-03-01T23:47:00.000-06:002008-03-03T11:40:53.934-06:00Rainy Daysit's just those rainy days.<br />spend your lifetime trying to wash away.<br />'til the sun shines and i see your face, just smile for me, smile at me.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-20703788622259790012008-02-26T10:24:00.000-06:002008-03-02T00:02:03.887-06:00God knowsFebruary 2008 will be a month that I will look back on in five to ten years and be able to pinpoint the day when things started to change. My nephew passed away on February 24 2008, my dad's fifty-ninth birthday. I can't even begin to fathom what my sister and my brother-in-law are going through right now. I can only pray that they will find strength to carry on.<br /><br />I hadn't prayed seriously in years but on my way to the hospital that night I prayed. I was praying that it wasn't true, that my nephew was going to make it. I was praying that this was a dream, that it wasn't real. I was praying to God, who I hadn't talked to in a long time that He wouldn't do this to my sister who had devoted her life to Him, her and her husband.<br /><br />God knows. Joseph Heller wrote a book with this title. God knows, why. It's been less than forty-eight hours since my nephew passed and these questions are being asked. Why did he die? What was it for? God knows. Is that supposed to be comforting? What a cold empty answer. There is no satisfaction in that answer, only emptiness. Only the quiet voice of modern day God. They say God doesn't change but there was a time when God spoke to people, maybe if He would speak to one of us this answer would be of some comfort. But we live in a time where we haven't heard God's voice for two thousand years. God knows, and I guess all will be made known when it's our time to go, only to leave others behind with the same question and the same answer.<br /><br />For now I'm not going to look for an answer because the only one out there leaves me with more questions...Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3726394364474477182.post-40378849296592733352008-02-14T11:35:00.000-06:002008-02-18T17:32:32.682-06:00DisclaimerI am not a writer, so my written "Engrich" is not so good.<br /><br />I started this blog to serve as a journal but as I would start to write each post, all of which have since been deleted, I would begin to ramble and lose my train of thought.<br /><br />So, I have decided to try to make this blog a progression of my development as a person to give it some sort of direction. I want it to represent how I perceived life from a kid, to how I perceive it now. I don't know how long it will take, or what it will end up being but I hope that it becomes something worth reading.Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08621879543715872996noreply@blogger.com0