Intervention

Greatest show on TV right now. If you are feeling down, you can always watch this show to pick yourself up immediately. Ya I've had a rough year...at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat...and I'm not addicted to crack or meth. Sure I feel lonely sometimes but eh, it's better than being in those peoples shoes. Thank God I've never had the desire to do drugs...my addictive personality would let that stuff consume me in a heartbeat.

Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....