I Don't Need Help

...eff you.

An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.

From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...

I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.