Many years ago when I had someone to hold, my heart sang.
Slow me down I'm still chasing spirits spinning around wide open spaces.
Oh, who will save me now?
Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.
Lately deep at night when all lovers come to life, my soul burns.
It's hard for me to admit the loneliness has worn out all hope in my eyes.
Am I still alive? Am I still alive?
Oh, who will save me now?
Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.
Sleep for now, let it pass.
Someday maybe I will understand.
Whatever it takes somewhere I know I'll find it,
Off in the ends of the world are the deepest of stormy seas.
Know I'm slowly finding out that birds like me were made to fly alone for all eternity.
This song defines EXACTLY how I feel.
http://www.purevolume.com/wolftron - Safe
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
I Don't Need Help
...eff you.
An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.
From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...
I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.
An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.
From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...
I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Intervention
Greatest show on TV right now. If you are feeling down, you can always watch this show to pick yourself up immediately. Ya I've had a rough year...at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat...and I'm not addicted to crack or meth. Sure I feel lonely sometimes but eh, it's better than being in those peoples shoes. Thank God I've never had the desire to do drugs...my addictive personality would let that stuff consume me in a heartbeat.
Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....
Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....
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