I Don't Need Help

...eff you.

An animal, when injured will hide itself away, safe from predators in hopes that it will heal it's wounds without being killed while in a vulnerable state.

From the day my family was broken up that is what I have done. Hide. I have listened to so many people talk about their problems. How hard it is in their situation. In my 25 years I have opened up to a handful of people. One offered to take me in and out of the situation I was in, I told him "No, but thanks". Another was my first real girlfriend but she had her own problems and I was more there for her than the other way around. Another is my best friend but he is emotional so I have to hold him up when things go wrong for him, I don't pour out my emotions to him. Finally my brother and sister...once I cried in front of my sister and her husband and I ran out of their house and left and didn't come back. I had cracked, I had promised myself to never do that. My brother, I have tried to talk to but I feel like he has encircled himself with his "new" family and is happy there. I feel like both my siblings would rather forget what has happened and move on but when Gralon died it was like "OH MY GOD....NOW THIS FAMILY WILL GET BACK TOGETHER!" I heard them talk...I heard them say this family has been "resurrected". Ya, well...I have not seen those changes and I don't even care to. There are days I would just openly abandon everyone rather than hiding from them all the time. I am sick when I am around them...when I moved out I engrossed my self in my work, softball and video games (ya pretty lame, but I'm too chicken to be an alcoholic or a drug addict). Over the past three and a half years I have spent over 175 days playing a video game (4,200 hours). I made excuses to miss family stuff or outings with friends. If I wasn't playing a video game I was playing softball a great excuse maker for missing time with family and friends. Sure I felt guilty but it was easier to do that than actually deal with seeing them. Their own families, their new families, their new loved ones, their new siblings, their new traditions, their new best friends. Instead I dove deeper into my games, into my softball. Over committing myself to it in order to not have to sit and think about my life. I recently quit gaming again but I still missed out on my nephew and brothers birthday gathering. My only nephew now...I missed because I was playing softball, which I was supposed to do, but I cancelled my trip to St Louis and went down to the lake with an old college buddy instead to party it up. But being around him made me sick...he's so far off the edge it's ridiculous. He numbs his pain with alcohol, drugs and women...I can't stand that even though the only difference between he and I is that what he uses to numb his pain is mostly illegal...I couldn't really tell my family that though because, well...shit it's kind of a shitty thing to do. But that's me man...

I am trying to quit the video games and it has woken me up a bit to what I've let fall behind in my life...but having to come home at night and sit and stare at the effin tube sucks. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to drift off, which scares me because I'm going to look for something to stop me from feeling soon and I don't know what that will be. A girl? Drinking? ...I don't know. I don't think I can deal with stuff yet...everything is still so raw with Gralon and my family.

Intervention

Greatest show on TV right now. If you are feeling down, you can always watch this show to pick yourself up immediately. Ya I've had a rough year...at least I have a roof over my head and food to eat...and I'm not addicted to crack or meth. Sure I feel lonely sometimes but eh, it's better than being in those peoples shoes. Thank God I've never had the desire to do drugs...my addictive personality would let that stuff consume me in a heartbeat.

Still plugging away, a day at a time. Missed my nephew and my brother's birthday this past weekend. Felt bad about it but I had other obligations to attend to. I get into this funk sometimes when I miss family stuff, but I hate being there...I really do. I feel so alone when I go to those things, everyone is whispering to their wife or husband. Secrets I don't know about, maybe they are talking about me...maybe they are thinking about me....my being self conscious kicks in. I think about the fact that I don't do what they do, I don't have a family, I don't go to church, I don't practice my faith day in and day out. What do they think of me for that? Do they see me as a fallen Christian, is that what they think? I remember when one of my church going family said this to me a while back, "But Jake you were happy back then" (when I was going to church). No I wasn't, at least I wasn't happy about going to church that is. I hated Church, the hyprocrisy, the high standards, all the bull. I just liked being around my friends...that's it. I liked the validation, someones approval. That's all I want, validation. That's why I am so competitive. I want to WIN so people know I'm a winner. Self conscious...like when a stranger walks by me, mostly girls and they look at me twice. I hate it, I immediately have to find a reflection of myself and make sure there isn't something on my face. I think they saw some imperfection...it drives me nuts. I can't leave the house unless I have made sure I don't have a stain on my clothing...or if my hair isn't right, or if I haven't checked two or three times that I didn't miss any hairs when I shaved that morning. Maybe no one will look at me that way if I don't have anything wrong with me....

Time keeps on ticking

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked too much of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself, that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me, away from me.

There's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous faces, pacing for bad news.
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their heads.
I'm thinking of what Sarah said, that love is watching someone die...


That was Deathcab for those that don't know. So if that's true, then what is remembering someone die, is that love too? A friend said something to me today, "are you burying it or getting over it..and is there a difference? I don't know". I'm not sure there is a difference. What is "getting over it" anyway? Is that forgetting it ever happened or is that no longer feeling sad about it? I don't know...maybe I'll have an answer in 10 or 20 years...or maybe when I'm dead.

Reflection

It's been over two months since Gralon passed away. I have kept pretty busy with work, softball, family, friends and romance. I'm afraid all keeping busy has done is bury what I've been trying to avoid this whole time, which is dealing with the fact that Gralon is dead. I have listened to everyone talk...avoiding the subject as much as possible. Even I am careful to not bring it up in all situations. One of my co-workers walked up to my desk while I was looking at pictures of Gray last week and I quickly minimized it, trying to hide what I was doing. I have watched several movies and multiple times I am reminded of seeing him on the emergency room bed....his face pale, i remember how rosy his cheeks always were but that color is all gone. I remember the dried blood on his face and wondering to my self what he was doing in his last few moments. How scared he had to have been in that ambulance...crying. I can't help but think about it....I wish I wouldn't but I do.

It's late...11:20 PM. I finished watching a DVD by Sigur Ros and the whole time I just thought about everything that's happened....I haven't really turned to alcohol except for one day, the Thursday after Gralon died. I lost it that day and I refused to take part in anything. My dad came over because I wasn't answering my phone. I was drunk, straight whiskey. He was pissed and scared, understandably. Alcoholism is no stranger to his side of the family. I just was tired of feeling anything...and no longer wished to feel that day. Tonight I had the same feeling again and it was a bit scary. I didn't drink anything but I wanted to. I immediately thought about work and that is my main reason for not doing it, I have to go to work. I have to keep making money in order to live. I have to..I have to...I have to. There is no choice there, but the temptation alone is what scares me. The fact that drinking came to my mind. Bad bad. Just a bad couple of days I think.

I think of my family and how they are dealing with it....it has to be easier than this. I recall the sermon from Sunday "in times of trial we want to crawl in a hole away from everyone and tend our wounds on our own, but that is now how God intended for things to happen." I agree...but it's 11:20PM, I don't feel like calling someone to whine about "how depressed i am". How horrible. All I can think of is how much harder my sister has it....how much harder my dad had it coming back from Vietnam. I feel I have no excuse for feeling this way, so I bury it. Bury it deep. Stitch it up. I'll have eternity to reckon with it, but here on Earth there are many more that have it much worse than I. I'll just get out the old sewing kit..I've had good practice with it in the past....

Hanging On

It's been twelve days since my nephew passed away, and all I can do right now is just trudge through each day, keeping my head up and staving off the depression and the loneliness. I look to God for support but there is a reason why there are people on this earth, we need the embrace of those we love in times like these, but I know that right now I have to just walk straight and strong as my sister is still needing us to be strong for her.

I find solace in my music once again. Hearing the words sang that I want spoken to me.

Cat Powers -
"You better come, come come, come come to me. You better run, run run, run run to me."

Open, Parachute -
"As we climbed out of our sunny valley, we couldn't help but notice that it was gray"

Copeland -
"There's an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath. As he looks down, you're not making a sound. Open your eyes, look at me. I'll pray to you whatever you need. And I'll tell you I'm sorry, that I can't take this pain away from you and put it on my own heart. Can't you see? I've got to bust you out of here somehow. I've never seen your heart this tired, never seen your spirit held down. I know you say this is what you get for being the bad child. But I know this will be your reward in just a little while. It's testing the strong ones, it's scarring the beautiful ones, it's holding your loved ones, one last time."

It hurts and helps at the same time....

Perspective

and little ever changes when you view it from the sky
and the damage we encounter the earth just passes by
and little ever changes if anything at all
and we remind ourselves how small we are

Rainy Days

it's just those rainy days.
spend your lifetime trying to wash away.
'til the sun shines and i see your face, just smile for me, smile at me.